Make Peace with Perfectionism: Choose calm over control (#494)

A close friend who I have known for many years considers me to have well-developed perfectionist tendencies.

He was being polite!

He recommended a book (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff) in which author Richard Carlson suggests that perfectionism is more often a source of quiet suffering than excellence.

As I look back on a fortunate life and career, I realize that Carlson has a point.

Perfectionism often disguises itself as virtue.

It tells us we have high standards, that we care deeply, that we’re simply doing things properly.

Carlson’s gentle genius lies in re-framing what truly matters.

His central message is simple but radical:

Most of what we stress over is small stuff.

And perfectionism magnifies it until it crowds out peace.

Perfectionism Isn’t About Quality - It’s About Control

One of Carlson’s recurring insights is that perfectionism is rarely about doing our best.

It’s about trying to control outcomes, impressions, and uncertainty, and believing that if everything is just right, we’ll finally feel calm, safe, or worthy.

But the opposite happens.

Perfectionism keeps us vigilant, self-critical, and chronically dissatisfied.

There is always another flaw to fix, another standard to meet, another comparison to lose.

Carlson invites us to notice how often we postpone happiness:

I’ll relax when this is finished.

I’ll enjoy myself when it’s perfect.

That moment almost never arrives.

The Cost of Getting Everything Right

Perfectionism extracts a hidden toll:

• It erodes joy - nothing is ever quite enough.

• It strains relationships - others feel judged or never good enough.

• It stifles creativity - better to delay than risk imperfection.

• It keeps us tense - always bracing for mistakes.

Carlson gently asks:

Is being right really more important than being at peace?

This question alone can stop perfectionism in its tracks.

Choose Peace Over Performance

One of Carlson’s most powerful themes is conscious choice.

We can choose to be peaceful even when things are unfinished, flawed, or uncertain.

This doesn’t mean lowering standards or abandoning care. It means releasing the belief that our worth depends on flawlessness.

Practical shifts Carlson suggests include:

• Letting others do things their way.

• Allowing small mistakes to exist without correction.

• Finishing tasks without endless refinement.

• Practicing self-compassion instead of self-critique.

  
  

Perfectionism softens when we prioritize how we feel over how things look.

Imperfection Is Where Life Actually Happens

Carlson reminds us that life is not a performance. It’s an experience. The messiness, interruptions, and half-finished moments are not obstacles to living; they are living.

When we stop insisting that life conform to our ideal blueprint, something surprising happens:

• We breathe more easily.

• We listen more closely.

• We show up more fully.

  
  

Peace doesn’t come from getting everything right.

It comes from letting go of the need to.

A Gentle Practice

Carlson often encourages small, daily experiments. Here’s one inspired by his work:

• Today, allow one thing to be imperfect - and resist fixing it.

• Notice what happens.

• Notice that the world keeps turning.

More often than not, nothing bad happens at all. And something good does: a quiet easing inside.

Final Thought

Perfectionism promises approval, safety, and peace - later.

Carlson offers something better: peace now.

Not because everything is finished.

Not because everything is right.

But because you’ve decided that peace matters more.

And that, as Carlson would say, is not small stuff at all.

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